What to write about?
In another hour, I’ll be riding home,
Sitting in silent solitude on a bus,
And the engine is the only thing making noise,
And the heater heats the cold,
Fogging the windows — I can’t see outside anymore.
Alone with my thoughts.
Outside, I hear the horns and passing cars,
They meld with the chaos in my mind —
That’s what it sounds like in there.
There’s voices — thousands of them — all trying to talk, all trying to share something:
“That was a dumb thing to say back there.”
“Dumb thing?”
“Yes. Dumb thing.”
“Well I’m just nervous, alright? I can’t help it.”
“You’re going to be a director — you can’t be nervous.”
“I know.”
“So what are you going to do about it?”
“Good question… I don’t know.”
It won’t stop talking, so I tune it out.
Ahead of me, no one is talking, so
The voices of the people behind me
Take over.
Bits of conversation reach me,
Drifting over the cushioned seats.
“So what mark did you get?”
“A 60. My teacher is so bad.”
“Yeah, she marks so hard.”
“Unbelievable.”
“So did you break up yet?”
My thoughts run away,
Restless and unquenchable.
What to write about?
About success? Experience? Pain?
I have pain. I feel pain.
When I have no one to talk to,
I feel pain.
My thoughts make me doubt,
Make me wonder if I can succeed.
I feel pain.
Did they understand me?
Or was I too wispy?
Wondering why I chose to subject myself to this.
Wouldn’t it be easier
Just to hide away?
“No.”
“No? Why not?”
“Because that’s not you.
Deep inside, you know,
The trembling, stolen breath, uncertain speech, discomfort, fear, anxiety…
That can’t hold you,
Because that would be hiding,
And that’s not you.”
Alone with my thoughts.
My bus stop arrives.
I step off.
zaid818 January 18, 2020
Dear Tony,
This spoken word poem was a true gem as far as the poem goes, and getting to see you perform it was also a very special expereince. I love the sort of short and almost choppy feel of your back-and-forth dialoge, which really made longer lines stand out, such as: “The trembling, stolen breath, uncertain speech, discomfort, fear, anxiety…”
This was one example of many great choices you made when writing this piece. Something else I liked was the symbolism and setting of the bus: a place caught in transition, where you’re merely just heading to another place in life.
For improvement, I would suggest establishing the character’s defiance and confidence earlier. You showed that he is ashamed to be nervous, but I would create a dichotomy by showing the nervous and confident bits of him and how they clash.
Overall, Tony, excellent job! I loved this piece and all your work, and I will be back soon.
Sincerely, Zaid
Chimerical January 20, 2020 — Post Author
Dear Zaid,
Thank you for reading this. I certainly understand what you mean by establishing the defiance earlier, and your compliments are definitely appreciated.
Sincerely,
Mr. 18
movielover2424 January 19, 2020
Dear Tony,
I remember when you decided to redo you’re piece and this was the result, and then hearing you read it out loud was incredibly inspiring. You’ve captured the often hard to pin point turmoil of reserved artists in a world that’s too loud and though I can personally relate to this I think those who can’t will still be fully immersed in the emotions portrayed within the little details.
The idea of having the bus, something so ordinary be the setting really worked well to contrast you’re racing thoughts, and ideas all speaking at once in you’re head.
I have no feedback but a suggestion. I think it would be pretty interesting if maybe you included some of the art as “characters” so to speak. Like the people from the books you’re working on or some other artistic aspect personified. I think it would really help the audience to see just how much is at stake for you. As you don’t want these voices to be silenced under self doubt.
Amazing job and I can’t wait to see what else you’re working on.
– Reegan =)
Chimerical January 20, 2020 — Post Author
Dear Reegan,
Thank you for reading this. I was petrified reading it, so I’m glad you found it inspiring. Your suggestion is an interesting one, and I like the idea of it; I might use it for some future project.
Sincerely,
Tony